It is nearly mid-September. I intended to post this on Sept. 1, but that’s how things have gone this summer. I plan, and then I panic and freeze.
This has been my life, days slipping away from me in a cloud of confusion and worry.
I worry a lot. I worry about not completing things. I worry about completing them but doing it wrong. I worry about what I say and what I don’t say. I worry about what will happen when I leave the house (there are so many possibilities.) I worry about watching my life slip away like this.
I’m especially worried about writing this post. I don’t know if I should. Many people with mental illnesses only write under pseudonyms. It isn’t safe to say your mind is sick. Careers can be ruined, rights taken away. I hear about it often.
But I have never been a person who could keep a secret. And I don’t believe this is something I should have to hide.
I have bipolar disorder. I’ve had it since I was a teenager, though I didn’t believe the diagnosis then. I’ve since had the diagnosis confirmed.
Though bipolar disorder gets a lot of bad press, I prefer it to other illnesses because there can be long stretches when I’m fine. I have episodes – mania and depression have hit hard in the past – but I’m able to manage them fairly well now with medication.
My episodes returned this spring and summer after a long period without them. I am getting over the last mixed episode (mania and depression combined,) and I feel much better now that autumn is arriving. I do better in the autumn and winter.
One really bad episode in April centred on my writing. I became convinced that I could not be a writer, that it would kill me. Rejection would kill me.
While I am out of that headspace now, I still struggle to write. It’s as if I flicked off a switch inside of myself, and I can’t seem to reverse it yet.
Which brings me to the point of this post. From now on, I’m going to have to manage this website, as well as my business, carefully. I’m making a slow return, and I plan to get back to work in the next few months.
I’ve regained my memory and my reading comprehension – who knew those could be affected by mental health? – and at this time I’d like to focus on editing and proofreading projects.
I’ve started by taking on a few volunteer tasks, such as proofing for Megaphone magazine and the Hope in Shadows calendar.
Once I feel more comfortable writing, I’ll take on articles again, too.
If you’re considering me for a project, I’d like to reassure you that I will only take it on if I know I can complete it, and do so well. That is why I took a hiatus over the summer – it is extremely important to me to only put out my best work.
I hope to work with you soon.